Mike, Chapter One: The Omens

Dude #3 in my Seven Dates in Seven Days Challenge was "Mike". From chatting with him online I didn't really think it would be difficult to move to dude #4, but after talking to him on the phone I realized that he was funny, talkative (who woulda thought that would be a positive for ME!) and interesting. He also asked a lot of questions which made me feel like he cared (there's a tip for you dudes out there) and I was really looking forward to our first date.

An omen is "a phenomenon or occurrence regarded as a sign of future happiness or disaster". Here, they count as Sign 1 and Sign 2.

We decided to go to a baseball game, because come on, we all know that's one of my favorite things to do PLUS the Mets were in town. Since I liked Mike so much I decided to break one of my basic rules and let him come pick me up at my house. He was a complete gentleman. Mike came to the door and opened the car door for me, a welcomed change from previous dates. I was nervous since I had just dealt with Justin Bradley, but he quickly put my worries at ease and we got along right away. About 2 minutes into the car ride my phone rings. I pulled my phone out of my purse to see the most unexpected incoming call ever.

My x-boyfriend.

It would have been one thing if I had seen such a thing since we broke up senior year of college. But this was the first time since 2007 his name has popped up, and lord help me, I answered it. Nothing was really said, just some back and forth about recent events and such and since Mike was pumping gas I didn't feel too bad about carrying on the conversation for a couple of minutes. But once Mike got back in the car, I let my X know that I had to go since I was on my way to the game. When we got off the line I apologized to Mike and said a friend had called me after a very long time of being out of touch. To this day he doesn't know about that call.

The second omen came the next day on our second date. We again went to another baseball game, which was sold out since Strasburg was pitching for the Nats. I was having a blast and really into Mike... He seemed like a good guy and I liked that we were into the same things. It was also the perfect day for a game and we were already holding hands and being totally lame, and I hate to admit it, but I was loving it.

Now, Nationals Park holds 41,888 people. And like I said, it was a sold out game. But of course out of all the people that are in that park, we run into this dude. It HAD to be this dude.

Who could it be?? you may ask. Well, of course it's the only other guy I've dated from the site that I actually liked: Greg Twelve Issues For The Price of One. There he was in his red hat and blue Strasburg tee, walking around by himself. (I guess they wouldn't let him bring his albino cat). My heart started pounding and I felt like my heart was going to fall out my butt. I didn't realize it but I squeezed Mike's hand hard and he asked me if everything was okay. I lied and said I was fine, but that moment totally haunted me. Again, he doesn't know about this incident either.


You should know that I had a very strong feeling that I would see "Greg" there again. Back in March when we first started dating he had asked me to that game, since he knew how much I love the Mets and he had tickets from a 15 game package he bought. Still, I was hoping I was wrong. I started to think that maybe I had only convinced myself that I saw him and that it was all my in head. So of course I did the stupid thing and emailed Greg.

Hey "Greg",

How are you? Listen, I know this is so random, but did you go to the Nats game on Saturday?

Hope all is well,

Liz

Hi Liz. Yes, I was at the game and glad I stayed until the very end.

Haha yeah that was absolutely terrible. Very upsetting to see k rod implode like that. Anyway, I swear I saw you there after (yeah I know that I sound like a creep lol) any chance you metro-ed with a strasburg t? Otherwise I saw your twin which is interesting too

Yeah that was probably me. I was rocking a blue Strasburg shirt, drunk and hungover at the same time. The Nats have K-Rod's number. Did you go to any other games in the series? I was lucky to have Niese on my fantasy team last week.

Haha that's crazy. Yeah that was you. I was sitting on the metro car you walked on to, that's so crazy. Anyway I was the same (drunk and hungover) and you were wearing a hat so I was like, eh the last thing I need to be doing is accidentally waving at strangers. I was amped bc I had great seats behind the mets dugout- perfect place to watch the Mets blow it again. Too bad too, Dickey had another good game. I actually went to all 4 games in the series, although Sunday was insanely hot I stuck it out to watch krod redeem himself. Thursday night Razor Shines threw me a ball though, and I actually got hit by a practice ball between the next innings that I never saw coming. You got Niese huh? Any other Metsies gracing your roster?

Haha, no other Metsies. I didn't know that's what they were called. I have this image in my head of Newsies.. That's interesting that you got a ball (and got hit by one). I was loitering in the outfield during batting practice and Elmer Dessens or some other random player threw a ball up to a bunch of kids, who completely missed it. The ball bounced right to me and I had my hands on it, but it slipped away. I guess that's why I don't play baseball anymore.

You know, it's too bad Greg has so many problems. He always knows how to make me giggle. But now I was with Mike and a very happy girl I was.

I'm baaaaaaaaack!!!!

Hey Everybody!

Sorry for the extended hiatus, but believe it or not I have a good reason for skipping the blog seshes... because I met someone I actually liked! Woooo!!!

Don't worry, after a few months of dating it didn't work out and I now have more material than ever. One thing I learned, is that there are always signs... oh there were signs. And now we all get to benefit from the almost-unbelievable-but-you-better-believe-it-cause-this-ish-always-happens-to-me anecdotes resulting from it.

Justin Bradley Craig Reprise

I have to say, I was pretty excited this past weekend when I got a text message from an unknown number. Although I had already deleted this contact out of my phone, my Blackberry retained the text thread from EXACTLY one month ago and when I saw the last message was "Where are you??" I knew it was the one, the only, Justin Bradley Craig. Our newest dialog went down like this:

Justin Bradley: "Hey"

Me: "Who is this?"

Justin Bradley: "Its justin, I know you don't want to talk to me but I want to apologize for that night. You were gorgeous and I was super nervous and got spooked. I'm sorry"

Me: "Wow bullshit all over that excuse. Lose my number creep."

Justin Bradley: "Its true.again I'm sorry but ok... its lost"

YEP! I got mine!!!

The Serial Killer Next Door: 'The Horrors of Online Dating,' at Playbill Cafe | Stage | Express Night Out

The Serial Killer Next Door: 'The Horrors of Online Dating,' at Playbill Cafe | Stage | Express Night Out

Featured in today's Express, this would be a GREAT next date...

Thanks Kelly for pointing it out, and of course always thinking about my blogosphere :)

Korean "Kevin"

So unlike basically every other guy I've written about thus far, I don't have anything negative to say about "Kevin". He was actually a really smart, witty, fun guy who I got along really well with. His first email was all the reasons I should write him back, and I'll admit I concurred with all of them. Kevin is a great guy.

Well, I guess there was one catch:I was taller than Kevin. And I mean he was quite a bit smaller than me. Not that he was a little person or anything (yes, I have received winks from little people), but at 5'3, I am not usually very picky. I only tell you this, by the way, to explain why this didn't work out. It was, however a memorable date. And it wasn't just because he brought me to a restaurant with Jenga and beer in mason jars, Kevin had an interesting SITUATION growing up.

Kevin is a "Blasian" (making me a "Whasian"!) whos mom is black and dad is Korean. This was already a pretty interesting mix but it only got better when Kevin explained that he grew up thinking he was half black and half Native American...

That's right.

You see, Kevin was adopted, however instead of explaining this to him, his parents led him to believe that he inherited his mocha skin and exotic eyes from his Native American adopted father. (Same for one of his sisters- who was also Black and Korean but from a different family. His other sister turned out to be biological from his adopted parents) It wasn't until his mom and dad filed for divorce and his mother asked for his help sorting through paperwork that he found his original birth certificate and adoption papers. Kevin was 16!!!

Kevin sees the humor in it now, he even told me about how silly he felt for making projects as a kid explaining his Native American heritage. Maybe my parents have been lying to ME all these years which is why those Gosselin kids all look so much more Asian than I do!

Kevin and I still keep in touch but I really hope he finds his match some time soon :-)

My mom always warned me, "Ugly people do ugly things"- The Cautionary Tale of Justin Bradley

In the words of the wise Taio Cruz, "I know Karma's gonna get me back for bein' so cold...". This is a story about getting it dished back my way. Also, instead of learning my lesson and cleaning up my act, I decided to write about Justin Bradley using his real first and middle name. HA!

As you know I've been penciling in my line up for the Seven Dates in Seven Days Challenge. In anticipation of this feat, I've... let's just call it how it is... lowered the bar a notch. That's how Justin Bradley squeaked by my ordinarily flawless screening process- LOL- and made it into the ring. Aside from seeming a little dim, Justin Bradley didn't really light my fire in the looks department. Not judging a book by it's cover but, every single picture of Justin Bradley was taken via the Personal Bathroom Photo Shoot- I really gotta stop dating these guys. Still, I responded to his email and played on.

There were signs. I just chose to ignore them.

For starters, Justin Bradley is a needy dude. Unfortunately I don't have much time to support needy guys so some things I did annoyed him, and he let me know about it. Examples:

1) Justin Bradley wanted to talk on the phone every night. In retrospect, I should have done it and just charged $5.99 a minute, maybe open up one of those flirty phone services!

2) Dude did not respect the 1:1 text ratio. When you send a text and you don't receive one back, put the phone away. Just wait it out a bit! Instead, I would get random smiley faces or, "Hey, remember me??" messages flooding my inbox.

3) I swear I'm not making this up: my phone hated his phone number. Every time I'd send or receive a message from him, my Blackberry would give me the sand timer for 30-60 seconds. ONLY his number, I don't know why. I maintain that he was a spy.

4) In addition to text messages, Justin Bradley frequently sent unsolicited picture text messages of himself in various situations (again, usually in the car or in the bathroom, why do men find this appealing???) or of random things that reminded him of me. To be completely superficial, this is probably something that actually would have been appreciated had he been something to look at.

5) Every date idea Justin Bradley came up with was way too over the top. He'd want to go to NY, or Baltimore, or Busch Gardens or something. Once he asked me to go to a baseball game with him and his dad.

6) Justin Bradley is 28 and lives at home. There was a reason (there's always a reason).

7) When I told him that he was coming on too strong, he said he knew but that he's harmless (RED FLAG!) and that I "just might like him". I wrote it off as maybe he's not so weird in person.

Despite these alarm bells left and right, I still agreed to meet with him. It's okay, you can judge me for allowing this to go on. I am! In fact, writing it all down it's beginning to sound like the beginning of a stalker story... you guys can be my witnesses.

The worst part about this is, that I was dreading this date. I talked to several members of the covenant expressing my concern, and letting them know that I planned for this to be our only date (I've come too far to go without my free drinks now!) and that maybe it'll be easier to turn him down after actually meeting him. Of course, I should have just cut my losses there.

So I got Justin Bradley to agree to come to DC for a couple of drinks rather than make me go out to Maryland aka "his turf" since I wasn't 100% comfortable with the situation. Since it was hot as hell out, I decided to be a lazy POS and take the bus instead of walking. (Yes, I took my chance with the crazies/trannies/smelly ladies on the bus rather than accept his offer to "swoop me up"-- his words not mine). While I was waiting at the bus stop I got a text message:

"Hey, are you in a black dress at the bus stop?"

...STALKER!!!!... (yes, that was me in the dress)

"Are you sure you don't want a ride?"

I'm sure.

I assured him that the bus would be there soon and that I'd just meet him at the restaurant. Once I boarded the stink bus I asked him if he was there yet, he replied, "are you?".

Weird.

Anyways, I trudged on my sad tale and 5 minutes after arriving sat down at a table. I texted him giving him my location, no response. After 4 or 5 minutes I sent him another text, "If I don't hear from you in the next 10 minutes, I'm leaving". I don't have time for this boosht. A few minutes later he texted me, "Nooooooooooo" but that was it. After the 10 minutes I paid for my beer and got out of there.

On my way home I gave him one last phone call. When it went unanswered, I left him a voice message in my sweetest voice (until the very end) letting him know that I was leaving, what he is, and where he can shove it.

7 Date Challenge Preview

You wanted it, you got it. Let's do it!

Exactly what you DON'T want in your inbox...

Click to see a legible version. "Socially rough around the edges". That's sure to get you a date!!!

Ian "Un Ragazzo non un Uomo"

At my old job we used to have what we called "one and done"s. I have adopted this term for dates like these.

Ian is the dude that I went out with on Greg's birthday night. You know, the one I was ready to ditch last minute. On paper he looked good though. GW grad, recently accepted to some very reputable law schools and had even studied in Italy-- all classes in Italian-- just like yours truly. We decided to meet up for drinks after class one day and maybe speak Italian over a few aperitivi. All the places that Ian suggested were on the swanky side, but we landed on a place in Dupont that was nice but not over the top.

I'm not sure how I got through the date so well. There was clearly zero chemistry and an over abundance of BS conversation. Ian was pretty high on himself, and (as you can tell) I like to take a guy down a notch or ten. I grew bored of his paralegal stories and clear bandwagon fandom of the Yankees pretty quickly. To make matters worse, I'm pretty sure he suggested this restaurant because he knew, and had a crush on, the waitress. Kudos to me for keeping up the smile.

Actually I take that back, I DO know how I got through it. It was my old friend, G&T, and since Ian wanted to split an appetizer, I didn't have a whole lot in my tummy keeping it company. Two of those bad boys and I was sailing up the river Styx that was this date.

So two drinks and one split appetizer later, the check comes.

I perform my usual routine. Reach for the purse. Suggest we split the bill. When he offers to pay I reply, "Are you sure? I don't mind!" he insists, and instead I say thank you.

But not this time.

Captain Personality accepts my offer, and when I realize I only have my card anyway, we put the bill on my card and he paid me his half in cash.

Dear Men,
When a gal gives you a chance to be baller and foot a $25 bill, take it! Because otherwise other chicks and dudes will read about it and judge you on some interweb blog.
Cheers.

Don't get me wrong, I'm the last woman to play the girly role, but dude when you ask a girl out, and it's a first date, get your head in the game!!



You can tell where someone's been
Without even asking him
He's either rude or has some style and panache

Bonus points if you can name that tune...

"Henry" The End is Nigh

So I usually make a point of not writing about anyone I am still dating, but I absolutely have to make an exception today.

The background: Henry and I have been dating since March, and although he's said some strange things in the past, this one just really made me think, "this is totally going in my blog!!". We were out for his birthday and talking about weird dreams we've both been having lately. Henry said to me,

"I had a dream the other night that we had a complete and total economic collapse and reverted to a survivalist society. So tomorrow, I'm going to go and start preparing."

I laughed (because clearly I thought he was joking) but he stopped and asked me if I didn't think it could happen. I told him of course it could happen, I just don't think it will any time soon. Henry started to tell me about how the people that predicted the housing crisis were also laughed at, but look at us now. These same people also predict a survivalist society in the offing.

Still couldn't help but laugh.


"Imagine no grocery stores and no gas stations, what would you do? You should agree with me Liz. If you do and this does happen, I might just pick you up."

"Okay, Henry. I agree with you."

"Smart girl".

Ohhhh my life. You gotta be on these peoples good side.

...."Thanks for the candy!!!"....

New Poll Question

Just a heads up, I know I've been bad lately but I finally posted a new poll question. This one's the juciest one yet.

"Greg" aka 12 Issues for the Price of One

"Greg" is a weird dude. I don't know why but for whatever reason, my Mr. Right is one crazy SOB but fortunately, that also makes for good stories. I want to be clear that in retrospect, I see where everything went to sh*t, but we'll get there.

Greg's cold call email was funny and witty (albeit fairly long) and he got my attention, despite his lack in great looks. He applauded me and my bravery for leaving my crappy corporate job-- yes, I am very wise-- and my decision to live as an artist in our nation's capital. I found Greg's responses interesting and fun so instead of giving you yet another cold call, I shall share a third exchange email.

RE: So you're a Mets fan . . .

Hey Liz. Sorry about Villanova. I didn't watch any of the day games because it was too nice outside. Though I spent a good part of the day driving around in circles in DC trying to find Hotel Rouge and a parking spot nearby. But the sunroof was open and the windows were down, so that's kind of like being outside, right? Eventually I made it to a field to throw a baseball and am playing today. Did you do anything fun this weekend?

I think people speak the way they write (or maybe the write the way they speak), but either way I like the way you write and had a huge smile on my face reading about Nobody Cares, WY. Isn't that the entire state? You obviously have good taste in beer too. I went to college at Virginia, and didn't relate to most people there mainly because they had shitty taste in beer and spoke (and probably wrote) like snots. I graduated 5 years ago, which seems impossible, but maybe they've all seen the error in their ways and stopped drinking Coors Light and Zima.

I work for an online publisher and we produce databases for colleges, universities, public libraries, and other academic institutions. We actually have some really cool stuff, though most of it is very scholarly (i.e. boring as hell.) But we have a lot of music and video now, which I definitely appreciate.

I have family from/living in NY and they are Yankees fans, so I have to put up with "those people" quite often. What would your dad do if you had grown up to be a Red Sox fan? I'm going to try and make it to a game at Citi Field this year when the Nats are in town. I consider myself to be a very well-informed sports fan, but I have no idea what the Connecticut Sun is? It sounds like a newspaper, but I'm guessing its WNBA or MLS. Either way, you have my sympathy.

You have a great sense of humor and you clearly love to laugh. What else do you do f or fun? And have you ever seen Eastbound & Down on HBO? It's my new favorite show and really resonates with me, probably beacuse I'm a washed up baseball player. Hope you're enjoying the weekend and a case of Busch Ice :)

"Greg"


...I wonder if he'd like the way I've decided to write about us...

The time before our first date was better than most. I learned about his college experience, his family and his future goals and I regaled him with my own random anecdotes. He was three years older than me and from the area, although he didn't spend much time in the city. There were several things I came to like about Greg that made him an exciting new candidate:

1) Our hatred of the same sports teams- we grew closer sharing our disdain for various cities and teams and he appreciated my less than creative nick names for hated athletes. 20 points.

2) His appreciation for small world coincidences, an ongoing theme in my life. (He taught my about the Noosphere, feel free to judge) 30 points.

3) His ability to keep up with me in conversation- including but not limited to a 4 hour chat one day after work. 50 points. Winner.

And so we went out!

When I finally met Greg, he was shorter than I expected. (shockerrrr!) but he was puppy dog cute. You should know that if you talk to these guys for too long before you actually meet them, it becomes a little more awkward. I like to compare it to bananas ripening on a bell curve:

I'd say we were a little more on the ripe side but nothing that a few drinks couldn't fix. Dinner went well folks. He did cute things throughout the night-- like make me a paper crane (something that became an inside joke between us, and he would go on to even send me pictures of more cranes when I was out of town). My face hurt from laughing- a much welcomed change from previous boring dates- and we decided to go to another bar and meet up with some of my friends.

Before my friends arrived on the scene I started to find out the juicy stuff. Now, Less Than Five Drinks Liz would have been concerned about the dirty secrets Greg started to reveal, but too bad THAT chick peaced out a few hours ago.

1) He brought up his X girlfriend. Yikes.
2) He told me that they had broken up after 4 years of dating and 3 years of living together. Oh, and by the way, she already had a three year old when they got together.
3) He had loved her since they were 5 when he gave her a pony calendar and when she went on to become an equestrian, he took it as a sign that they were meant to be. (Again people, he told me this on the first date).
4) When they broke up (on Valentine's Day), he kept their obese albino cat, a picture of which is the background on his phone.
5) She moved out on his birthday (almost 2 months after their break up).

I know that you're thinking. WARNING: FIRE! GET OUT OF THE BUILDING!!! The dude had more baggage than a sorority girl on spring break. Honestly, I have no idea what I was thinking but I guess Five Drinks Deep Liz found it endearing. Greg scored more points when he insisted on buying drinks for my friends and he got their nods of approval. The night continued andwe went dancing-- it all went very well. There was a moment when he had his arm around me and with a smile on his face told me that he was wrong about online dating, and how funny it is that it actually worked.

The next few weeks were fun. I was dopey in like with the guy and (rookie mistake) even loaned him some of my dvds. I was still playing the field, but I knew I had something real good with this guy. He called me every day and always made me laugh... As my mother would say, he "made my heart go pitter patter" and I loved the time we spent together.

When his birthday came up, he told me he was going out to dinner with his parents but wanted to meet up after for a drink. I accidentally scheduled a date with someone else for that night, but when I suggested we go out to celebrate on a different night he complained, "another night won't be my birthday!!". (Charming, right???) I decided not to cancel the new date and play it by ear, but since I had never met the new guy before I was perfectly willing to bail last minute.

This is where the story gets weird.

On his birthday morning, I sent a text, "Happy birthday, Old Man (his last name)"

No response.

Later that afternoon I sent him another message letting him know I'd be getting out of class early.

Again, no response.

When I did get out of class I sent a final message, "Okay Greg, I'm going back to DC now" (I went out on the other date instead)

No response that night.

Or the next day.

Or the day after that.

Or the day after that.

Okay, now I'm pissed. Against my better judgment I decided to write Greg an email and tell him that while it was "cool" with his decision to not see or speak to me that week, I'd like my dvds back please. An hour later he sent me a gchat message:

"GREG": hey

25 minutes

1:33 PM me: Hey [GREG] what's up

1:34 PM "GREG": wanna hear a bad joke?

1:35 PM what does a gay horse say?

me: ...Hay?

1:36 PM "GREG": haaaaaaaaaaay

its better told than written

So let me get this straight. After ditching me and then ignoring me for three days, this guy decides that the appropriate action would be to send me that joke. Okay... Okay.

I won't bore you with the details of the next few days, it was really more of the same. I knew I was suddenly being blown off but each day he would text or gchat me with flakey pleasantries. Eventually I didn't want to play the game anymore and I asked Greg what had happened. Long story short I got every cliche in the book, mostly "we want different things" blah blah blah. And yes, this was online. There was one interesting point he made, which I can PASTE from that final conversation:

4:03 PM "GREG": i don't really like people all that much

What???? Well that's a new one. Either you're totally out of ideas here or totally bat sh*t crazy. Perhaps both. Either way,I told you he was weird. Oh and as for the dvds, he came by to drop them off the next night. He awkwardly let himself into my house but with nothing left to say and he told me how glad he was to have met me, (efffff that noise!!!) but I did not return the sentiment. Instead I smiled, walked him out and dropped my favorite "See ya out there" line and closed the door behind him.

Oh, and it get's better. Now normal people might just get mad about this, but I can really appreciate the humor. After we stopped seeing each other, I got a GREAT little gifty in the mail courtesy of the DCPD. I was able to figure out exactly where I was driving when these were issued (there were 2). Spoiler alert: it was driving "Greg" home to Alexandria and back. Some gifts just keep on giving...

"I got dumped by a weird dude then charged $100. FML"

A Dating Horror Story-- Put the kids to bed for this one!!!!

This is a PSA against douche bags! A higher power than myself in the dating world recently had this exchange with a dude she used to date, and I thought it was so amazing I just had to publish the transcript for all. She even supplied the back story:

This conversation is between my high school sweetheart and I. We fell in love senior year and have been trying to make it work off and on again through the years, 3,000 miles away. He was a great guy in highschool, and the older he got, the worse he got.

It was the weekend of our 5 year HS reunion. We all had a great time. Keith asked me to dinner, which I payed for. We went to a bar to see our other friends that were in town as well. After about two hours, I had to leave because I had a law school interview the next morning. I walked over to my friends to say goodbye, and not even after taking 10 steps away, I turned around to see him kissing a random older girl ON the bar. I was shocked that after he had been begging me to get back together for a while, he does this when I am at THE SAME BAR! I slapped him when he tried to kiss me and left. I went home crying and wrote an email telling him to screw off.

8 months later I receive this in my Facebook mail:

Hey. I realize I fucked up, and beyond being drunk I don't offer any excuses. It was childish, and I'm so sorry. I'd call you now, but I figure you still think this msg audacious and daring enough, considering what I did. However, I'd really appreciate the opportunity to mend our relationship.. if at all possible. I very much dig your swagga and enjoy the time we spend together. I value our relationship emensely, miss it terribly and want to talk to you about us soon. Let me know if that sounds ok with you and look forward to hearing from you. -Keith

I respond the next day:

Leave me the fuck alone!! What the hell is wrong with you? DIid you not understand my message before? Who the hell do you think you are? Please, you ignorant bastard, you think a person as good and as nice and sweet as me is going to even consider taking you seriously in any aspect of life? Fuck that. Wow, your mom really popped out a loser. Stop playing girls and treating them like shit and stop using this energy to keep up this pathetic charade you have going. YOU FUCKING KISSED A HO RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AFTER I SPENT HALF A GRAND VISITING YOU, YOU LITTLE FUCK.

I really hope your pathetic life is still going nowhere, you really deserve it.

O and I got into law school, with a scholarship. I hope you didnt. If you did, wow they made a big mistake.

o yeh, and FUCK YOU

He promptly responds:

I never thought you'd be such a raging bitch. I never asked you to come to Atlanta. You told me you had law school interviews, so I took you out to dinner, while you were in town. Don't act like I pressed you to buy a ticket here, and don't act like you were my woman, you never were and never will be.

Get over me, I was NEVER that into you. You're delusional and an irrational bitch, no wonder so many guys have screwed you over so many times. I made a huge mistake thinking this friendship was worth saving.

If this kid ever really does go to law school, maybe he should learn rule number one, keep your story straight!

Get it girl!

A Picture is Worth 1000 Words, and Usually a Few Good Laughs

Welcome to Liz and Raleigh's list of top guy's dating profile pics to mock mercilessly. I hope you do too!

Honorable mention: "I just saved a puppy from a burning building"

All you needed was the puppy!!!

10. "The Professional Pic" *

We get it. At some point (probably your senior year of high school) you had a professional picture or head shot taken in a meadow. The thing is, we're not auditioning for a J. Crew catalog here, so save it for your Christmas card/ Big Brother audition tape.

9. "Where's Waldo Pic" *

True, those hidden picture puzzles in Highlights were fun (and ok, still are...) but I've got a lot of profiles to go through and we d on't need to be spending our time finding out which one is you and which ones are your bros. Although we appreciate you letting us know that other people can handle being around you...

(bloggers note: To be fair, men in suits... yes.)

8. "Action Pic!!!" See also: "I'm on a Boat! Pic" *

Sure, when it's Andy Sandberg and T Pain we're impressed. But to be honest, unless you're on a yacht we're probably not THAT wooed by your love for fishing and sailing the high seas. Please note that "Action Pics" include but are not limited to:

a) you and your buddies doing shots shots shot shot shot shots!
b) jumping off of things
c) you donning any kind of hunting gear
d) jumping off more things
e) male cheerleading. I've seen it.

I'd equate such pictures to seeing us in a tanning bed. It's nice and all, but do it in your own time.


7. "Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I'm Aweeesomeee!! Pic" *

A real horse race with "Action Pic", the "Oh I'm awesome Pic" can be spotted in any number of venues. Here, seen as a DJ in action, I can't help but think that this is the best you can do. If that's true, give me Where's Waldo any time of the week.

6. "One Pic" *

It's an online dating site and you're giving me one picture? This really only means one of two things: 1) You're too lazy to find more than one picture of yourself. Very sad. 2) You are ugly.

Go wild! Find one or two more in your Facebooked archives and live a little. Let me see that hideous face ;-)

5. "Blue Steel" *

The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

4. "No Pic"

This is such a bad online dating sin that Match won't guarantee you meeting anybody without at least one picture posted.

3. "Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon" *

This guy looks different in every picture. It's like Seinfeld's Two Face on crack. You never know what you're going to get, so I vote just leaving it well alone.

2. "Old Pic"

If you're 30, please don't put a picture of yourself in the golden days of high school or college. It's creepy and sad so please let's keep it to a year ago at most.

1. "Shirtless pic" / "Self Cell Pic" *

If you remember... this was highlighted in one of my first blog posts ever, so I'll save you the repetition. However, I did want to show you the one guy who GETS IT. Come on ladies... You know you love it. He can also write backwards!


*- denotes pictures of dudes I've gone out with anyway. How else do you expect such money content???

I'm still keepin on! A formal apology...

First off, thank you to all my loyal readers (especially the ones that badger me to blog more often- I love you guys!!!!!!) Unfortunately, I've been quite busy over the past few weeks with a brand new jobbie in the far off land of McLean. A travel that has destroyed my blogging time and instead burdened me with an inordinate amount of commuting. But worry not, I have continued on my dating crusade and still have plenty of webs to weave for you. And thanks to the end of my spring semester coming, I'll have plenty of time to publish them for you.

My ESL Lover

I didn't wink, but I did smile after this...

Hello Hello.. I received your wink and decided to read your profile.. I love open and beautiful smiles... it is one of the most important things to me, because I like to be around happy, funny, good energy people.. I felt so much good energy, happiness in your profile. I hope in can meet in the future, and I will be able to know more about you :) Take Care, JaimeHello Hello.. I received your wink and decided to read your profile.. I love open and beautiful smiles... it is one of the most important things to me, because I like to be around happy, funny, good energy people.. I felt so much good energy, happiness in your profile. I hope in can meet in the future, and I will be able to know more about you :)

Take Care, Jaime

BEST COLD CALL YET!!!!

A Special Thanks to the supplier of this gem. Authored by a 40 year old who feels "the bar scene is getting old".

Sweetie :)
This weekend you and I are going to spend a very nice/relaxing/romantic weekend in Ocean City. I'm also singing the below song to you on our romantic walk on the beach at night! :) Whatever plans you had scheduled can be rescheduled I'm sure my love!

http://vodpod.com/watch/1562634-lifehouse-storm-live

Matt

Cold Calls Reprise

This past weekend I gave my friend the gift of Match. Within her first couple days she made the same rookie mistake that I made (which as you may recall ended with me being accused of being racist...) Anyway, this one is about on par with the guys that tell you their weirdo tendancies (or that they're Plushies or something) you just leave them alone.


he said
Yesterday
i enjoyed reading your profile...are you able to receive e-mails on the site? (i ask so i don't send a longer e-mail that never gets read!)


you said
21 hours ago
RE: (none)
Hi there-Yep, I can receive messages. Hit me with your best shot ;)


he said
20 hours ago
sure...how has your match experience been going so far? do you visit dc often?


you said
20 hours ago
RE: (none)
This is my first foray into online dating, so excuse any awkwardness. I live in Arlington and work in VA, but I try to get into DC on the weekends. You?


he said
20 hours ago
RE: (none)
the online thing i'll admit is a bit of an old hat for me. nothing to boast about. you seem to be sharp and sassy. where does fitness and eating well fall in your list of priorities in life?


you said
17 hours ago
RE: (none)
Well Doctor, I go to Gold's Gym or outside for a run 5-6 times per week. This last week was rough because I've been feeling under the weather, but I usually just have one "rest" day per week. I absoutely love this Sports conditioning class that they have at Gold's, and I enjoy power yoga as well. I love food, but I am not an experienced cook, so I tend to eat on the healthier side, but if I really want a steak and some french fries, I'm going to have it. Ice cream is my favorite food group. I know your profile mentions that you're very into the whole natural food thing. Care to elaborate? I hope it's not one of those diets where you can't eat anything that casts a shadow.....

he said
16 hours ago

that's great you take advantage of the classes - really a better way of doing cardio than strapping yourself to the treadmill (which is pretty needed during those tough dc winter months)...i love running around the monuments, which are literally in my backyard. i live in downtown though can't really say where i'll be working as i'm switching companies after 7 years of loyalty.



food wise, i definitely don't have a diet. diets generally mean restricted calories. i eat like someone 50 pounds over me. i love natural foods and avoid processed stuff at all costs...never eat fried, don't eat pasta/sweets (except for when celebration calls) and generally like slower-made food. i eat a ton of protein salads. i make my own protein bars and protein muffins. i had my first grass-fed, organic beef experience tonight and i'm converted. stuff like that makes me tick.good food, working out, and the surrounding experience are very key to me. i am able to quickly grow close to someone with *some* commonality in those areas.too over-the-top for your taste or hanging in there?





you said
7 hours ago
RE: (none)
Hi there-I commend your discipline! I think it is great that you eat so cleanly but I think our priorities do not really match up in that arena. Have a great rest of the weeend. It was fun speaking with you.


he said
7 hours ago
RE: (none)that was a bit unexpected. i said i like sharing good food and fitness with a companion. not sure why that puts what we want in conflict.


Come on, guys. Don't mess with us ladies and our food. When you tell us about your protein muffins we start to fear you'll take chocolate away.

Six Degrees of Freaky "Frank"

DISCLAIMER-- This story is proof that girls talk about everything. If you're a dude and reading this, don't ever think we don't spread information about your sex life- whether it's our business or not-- to everyone. However, we wouldn't have to if it weren't for the stuff that the rest of this story is made of.

One day I received an email from Frank. If you haven't figured it out yet, I like people with quirky personalities, which often times ends with me woven into the webs of some serious weirdos.

Frank was one of those weirdos.

In retrospect, his emails were probably more weird than quirky... but in the end it didn't really matter. The alarms also should have gone off when Frank described himself as an "unguarded lover" followed by "and a party planner". WHAT??

Now, this is probably a point against me, but I found Frank on Facebook-- a preemptive creepy move if you will. Since I live in the smallest world possible, I asked one of our three friends in common what the real Frank was like.

"He's an interesting guy, how do you know him?"

...duh...

"Hahaha then you should know he's been banging (another mutual friend) and he's in love with someone else but sleeps with all his girl friends and strings them along. He plays games"

I've got plenty of games in my life, so I never responded to one of his emails again. Unguarded?? No joke.

"Eddie": You and me and the bottle makes three tonight. And also, that other girl.

Last weekend I started going out with a new fella. He's actually a pretty stand up guy and I don't have a whole lot to call him out on yet... although you never know. For our first date we went out to one of my favorite low key bars (low key= they serve PBR cans) and we had a real good time.

Not THAT kind of good time. Get your mind out of the gutter!!

The third party in this story came in about 45 minutes into the date. She's actually a friend of a friend (hey! maybe you're reading this!) and so when she walked in I gave her a smile and a wave. A little while after that she swung by to say hey. The more the merrier. I made the proper introductions and eventually she asked us how we knew each other.

The moment of truth.

I looked at Eddie. Eddie looked at me. Grocery store. Crowded bar. Spin class. So many options! Then I remembered. I'm so open about this I write it all down and publish it on blogspot.

"We met online!"

"Oh."

The best way I could describe the look we got back would be to say that she looked at us like we were breathing AIDS. She pulled back a bit and responded, "I thought you guys were just hanging out".

Wait, isn't that what we were doing??

I'd like to dispel the following rumors about online dating:

1) We aren't all freaks. Although yeah, they're out there. And yeah, I'm a weirdo but it's half the fun.

2) We aren't all sad. No doubt some people are, but I promise I leave those people at home where they can listen to Every Rose Has Its Thorn alone on repeat.

3) When we go out, we hang out! We don't sit around doing stuff like this. That's more like a third date activity.

4) Everything else you've heard is true. Just kidding. But seriously.

Even though I told her it was no big deal, I think THE SITUATION made her feel uncomfortable and she peaced after that. He felt weird too so we finished our beers and changed venues. Once he does something embarrassing I'll be sure to share. For now he remains in my good graces.

You've got male (Yes, male. See what I did there?)

This post is to share some of my faaaavoritist "cold call" emails EV-ER! I think you might like them too... Also, I think this is the meanest I have ever been to strangers.

romantic athletic prince

Hello,

I am looking for one special someone who I can spoil and be spoiled by. Someone that I can wake up in the morning and give kisses to and then make breakfast for. Someone that likes to hold hands and kiss when they are 80 years old and be in more love than because they have shared more memories together. Someone who will spoil me back and make me feel cared for. I am looking for a true connection. Someone who is my other half. I am looking for something rare to find that many times people settle because they are not willing to go through all the effort it will take to find this special person. I am willing to put the extra effort in and will search until I do find her. She will be beautiful and all will see this, but what they will not know is what I know that she is even more beautiful on the inside. The connection we share is one of true intimacy. We share a connec tion of our souls. When we are apart we are still connected. We have searched for each other for most of our life and now when we touch we know what heaven is like. Our dreams are moments we shared together. Our thoughts are of what we will do together in the future. Others will look to us and realize what love really is supposed to be. We will always be smiling for each of us knows that we have something special and we have searched for it for a long time. We can be seen looking into each other’s eyes until late at night and talking about our future. Yes, I know these things are rare but I know that this is what I will seek for I know that the rest of my life will be spent in the joy of her company. I only want to be known as the man who accompanied my mate through life and when we leave this world to join with her in heaven.

Hope to hear from you,

Don

Translation:

"I want to kill you. I want to hang you by a meat hook in my basement and write haiku about it later."

Hello

hey i saw your profile.. and i think u seems a nice girl and fun person to hung around with. Also i like your personality as well. i think it will be great if things work out between us. i would like to know if there is a possibility for that. so i will wait for your reply, email me when u get chance. thanks.

This would have been super cute if we were still in the 5th grade and it was a note passed to me in science glass. (Well, except for the part about "hung" around with...)

(no subject)

You are one attractive young lady!!

- Corey

A knock knock joke would have out-witted this guy. Still, I poked at the bee hive and asked him why he's not smiling in a single picture. And I'm really glad I did.

Because you have not emailed me yet.


Now that you have, I'm smiling :)

- C

The end.

hey

hi how are you doing? my name is tony how was your day? did you have a good weekend? i hope you have a good day tommorrow.

tony

Awwww.... still no.

hey

hey how you doing? just stopped by to say hi.

Stopped by? Dude, it's an email.

Hi

I think you're cute, and believe we have quite a bit in common. As my subscription ends in a few days (on 3/29), if the interest is mutual perhaps we can get together over tea/coffee in the near future (I will be out of town for the next few days)-you can contact me via e-mail at novable@talkmatch.com (please mention match somewhere in the subject line so that I do not think it's spam and delete it w/o reading) if this sounds good to you. Have a good evening.---Mark

Sounds pretty terrible, Mark.

Hi ya

So I have been trying to figure out the best/coolest/wittiest thing to write you to start things off but have failed miserably. So I guess I will start with a question, that’s how I start everything else. If you could do anything in DC/NOVA, what would it be? Or as I can’t seem to decide on how to answer that question myself, maybe just what’s your favorite color? Mine is green.

Hope to here from you soon!
Will

http://www.babelgum.com/4022027/kids-reenact-mtvs-hit-series-jersey-shore.html Whats ya favrite culla??

The Mendoza Diagonal

Do you fall above the line? Italy is one of my favorite places, but I've sadly never made it out of Rome accept to a few of the smaller towns. I could try to say a lot about myself here, but I doubt I would be able to make much headway. I'm more of a Ted then a Barney, and more of a Marshall then either. Also a big "How I Met Your Mother" fan. I'm studying philosophy and lit, looking to write and go to grad school for both. I would love to teach K-12 English, or Philosophy on the college level. But enough about me, you seem like a confident women who knows what she wants. That said, I have just one question. How do you take your coffee, and whats your favorite late night drink?
Hope I've got your attention,
B

Maybe when you start writing in grad school, they can explain the difference between the words accept and except. Wow, I am a b*tch.

ms silei

i saw you on here and i think you gorgeous, do you have an aim name or any messenger name? mine on aim is "ghvhblkj", im 27 and live in Springfield, VA ( so not too far from you ) i work 9-5 as an emt dispatcher in Springfield and started up my own side company for photo restoration.
I go to the hookah bar alot in my freetime.hmm what else, oh im a big LOST and 24 fan .. if you dont like it thats fine just makes you a tiny bit less awesome :) feel free to check out my facebook if you care. be warned im not very photogenic lol but yes. hope to hear from you soon cutie.

ps you have the most amazing eyes

I added this for two reasons. One, it's a cheap boost of self esteem. Two, "be warned im not very photogenic". Yikes.

I'll probably burn in hell for this post

Chad "Gay Voice" Pat III: The finale

The moment you have all been waiting for, so sorry for the delay. Hopefully this last entry in Gay Voice's book is not as big of a disappointment as he was. I WILL say that I learned a lesson. Don't date dudes that are into other dudes. They'll only leave you for a Pashmina and a diet coke.

So the day before the big event I got a text from "Chad" asking me to text him when I got out of class (around 12) and then we could decide where in Dupont to meet. As this was a normal exchange I really didn't think much of it at all. Until the next morning at 8:30 when I get a text...

"i can't believe it last night i slept with my glasses on and busted them. gotta go to the doctor to get them fixed, keep you posted" (8:30 am)

Okay... I told him thanks for keeping me updated and good luck. During my break around 10:30 I text him asking how everything was going.

"haven't heard back from my eye doctor yet, i knew i should have ordered contact lenses earlier!" (10:30 am)

...alright....

"i don't think the eye doctor is open, i'm going to have to go to lens crafters" (12:30 pm)

At this point I should tell you that my alma mater was playing in the NCAA tourney at 2 and I wasn't about to miss it traveling to a bar. If this dude didn't get it together by 1:30 we were going to have a problem.

By 3:00 when I hadn't heard from him I told him we'd have to do something after the game instead. I wasn't going to risk missing the beginning of the second half because I'm stuck on the metro.

"i'm sorry i got things so messed up today :(" (3:30 pm)

Sorry, but there's NO way getting your glasses fixed has taken all day. Now I don't know if you got hooked on a Lifetime movie marathon or woke up with a tranny surprise in your bed but I ain't buying it. I think the part that ticked me off the most was the fact that I blocked off a Saturday for this guy and I got stood up for a "broken pair of glasses". THAT'S a new one for the record books.

"do you want to do something during the week instead?" (4 pm)

And I never heard from him again.

Chad Part II-- The Work Visit

After hearing Chad's voice on the phone and freaking out to my friends all week, I absolutely had to meet this dude. I mean, I'm going to need to verify the exact level of real life flamboyance in his voice before devoting myself to an entire day together (he was REALLY cute). So it was perfect when "Chad" told me he was coming down to where I work during his lunch break. He came up with this little story about coming down my way to pick a book at Borders, and will I come to help him find one (classic). When I told Raleigh- my kick ass work partner in crime- that I was finally meeting Mr. Faaaabulouussss, she insisted I bring him up to the office for a proper screening. This is important information for the rest of this story.

Chad was waiting for me at the corner, and when I tapped his shoulder and he turned around I finally got my first look-see at this guy. BAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Snaggle teeth snaggle teeth snaggle teeth!!!!!!!!! I don't know what kind of dentists they have in Massachusetts or what kind of magic camera he used to post his online pictures, but it was very clear to me that his teeth did not get along and they were all plotting their escape from his snaggled mouth out in 10 different directions. (Still, remember I wanted to see through Jesus' eyes...) Nonetheless, minus 1.

His voice? Not so bad!!! Plus 1! And now we're even again.

We went for a nice walk around the block and at some point I suggested he come up and "check out" where I work. He agreed, since he had no idea this was all plotted, and we were on our way. As soon as we walked in I introduced him to Raleigh ("Oh my gosh, what a surprise!) and told him to try out some of the chairs. Things were going well and I even started to feel silly for worrying so much about his femm voice... all good things. So while Chad was relaxing on an Eames Lounger with his back towards the front desk, I look to Raleigh for a nod of approval. Instead of a smile or a thumbs up, Raleigh snarled her lip, rolled her eyes and held up an 81/2 x 11 with a huge "6" written across it.

Ouch. Later she explained the exact break down of this logic. Something about 4s for looks, 4 for height, 9 for butt... it's science.

Needless to say it was a bit uncomfortable/ difficult to hold back earned giggles and after a full tour, I walked Chad back downstairs. He told me he was excited about our first real date, we confirmed a time and place to meet and hugged it out.

It wasn't until I was back on the elevator that I realized I never even helped him find that book. Oops.

Dan "Dats Rayyycist"

So I know you are awaiting part two, but I got a lil buzz on right now and feel that I should give the proper attention to that story. I do, however, want to get something up on here so I'm going to share the story of "Dan". Dan Dats Rayyycist was not an attractive fellow (he had a hella underbite), but he imed me on my first night on the site and to be polite I didn't ignore him. I did sign off on him immediately (sounds like immedgiately) and received the following email:

Fun Person To Know

hey just wanted to let you know i had fun chatting with you for all twenty of those seconds lmao. but seriously though id like to chat with you again and find out more about you, you seem like a fun person to know. Peace
"Dan"

I responded (mistake 1) letting him know that I am a very busy lady and I was sorry for being rude. He sent an email asking when was the best time to reach me, and when I didn't reply I got this:

Good One For U?

i gotta good one for you, if your too busy with school and work for a pet does that also mean your too busy to have a boyfriend, or do you think you could try to make it work somehow?
"Dan"

To try to let him down gently (mistake #2), I told him I was probably too busy for a relationship and was just trying to meet new people. Response:

RE: Good One For U?

oh thats wassup. the only thing i can say is I sincerely hope that you'll allow me the opportunity to get to know you as a friend and if we click who knows, i may just bark and fetch your newspaper for you on occasion lmao.

At this point I should inform you that there is a handy dandy little button that I pushed. If you're out there... don't ever push this button. It looks promising, but it is in fact the red button of online dating. It says 'Say "No Thanks"' If you push this button, the other person get this:

"SO AND SO/WHAT'S HER FACE/ THE UGLY ONE" appreciates your taking the time to let her know you're interested, but doesn't think you're a good match for her. Don't be discouraged. Magic happens when you least expect it. With millions of singles on Match.com, you could be just one click away from finding someone who's right for you.

Start by checking out these other members

(Then puts 5 new pictures here)

AGAIN. I REPEAT, do NOT push this button ;-)

The next email went like this:

lmao no connection huh. wow i didnt see that coming. so im good enough to make you laugh a few times but not good enough to be a friend? i got you.

But that's not all folks. When I didn't respond to this email OR his IMs, this was the final email:

Right Or Wrong?

so what gives, we had a nice back and forth going on and out of nowhere you "no interest" me, judging by pics of you and your friends im thinking it had something to do with me being black. am i right or wrong?

I know what you're thinking. Dats Rayyyyycist!!! At this point I finally made the right decision and blocked his creepy underbiting ass. Lesson learned! Fortunately I didn't have to be funny or witty for this post, I'm pretty sure "Dan" did all the leg work on that one.

PS- His real name is Greg, if he finds this post he should know how much of a creeper he really was. "lmao".