Dan "Dats Rayyycist"

So I know you are awaiting part two, but I got a lil buzz on right now and feel that I should give the proper attention to that story. I do, however, want to get something up on here so I'm going to share the story of "Dan". Dan Dats Rayyycist was not an attractive fellow (he had a hella underbite), but he imed me on my first night on the site and to be polite I didn't ignore him. I did sign off on him immediately (sounds like immedgiately) and received the following email:

Fun Person To Know

hey just wanted to let you know i had fun chatting with you for all twenty of those seconds lmao. but seriously though id like to chat with you again and find out more about you, you seem like a fun person to know. Peace
"Dan"

I responded (mistake 1) letting him know that I am a very busy lady and I was sorry for being rude. He sent an email asking when was the best time to reach me, and when I didn't reply I got this:

Good One For U?

i gotta good one for you, if your too busy with school and work for a pet does that also mean your too busy to have a boyfriend, or do you think you could try to make it work somehow?
"Dan"

To try to let him down gently (mistake #2), I told him I was probably too busy for a relationship and was just trying to meet new people. Response:

RE: Good One For U?

oh thats wassup. the only thing i can say is I sincerely hope that you'll allow me the opportunity to get to know you as a friend and if we click who knows, i may just bark and fetch your newspaper for you on occasion lmao.

At this point I should inform you that there is a handy dandy little button that I pushed. If you're out there... don't ever push this button. It looks promising, but it is in fact the red button of online dating. It says 'Say "No Thanks"' If you push this button, the other person get this:

"SO AND SO/WHAT'S HER FACE/ THE UGLY ONE" appreciates your taking the time to let her know you're interested, but doesn't think you're a good match for her. Don't be discouraged. Magic happens when you least expect it. With millions of singles on Match.com, you could be just one click away from finding someone who's right for you.

Start by checking out these other members

(Then puts 5 new pictures here)

AGAIN. I REPEAT, do NOT push this button ;-)

The next email went like this:

lmao no connection huh. wow i didnt see that coming. so im good enough to make you laugh a few times but not good enough to be a friend? i got you.

But that's not all folks. When I didn't respond to this email OR his IMs, this was the final email:

Right Or Wrong?

so what gives, we had a nice back and forth going on and out of nowhere you "no interest" me, judging by pics of you and your friends im thinking it had something to do with me being black. am i right or wrong?

I know what you're thinking. Dats Rayyyyycist!!! At this point I finally made the right decision and blocked his creepy underbiting ass. Lesson learned! Fortunately I didn't have to be funny or witty for this post, I'm pretty sure "Dan" did all the leg work on that one.

PS- His real name is Greg, if he finds this post he should know how much of a creeper he really was. "lmao".

"Chad" aka G** V**** (read on) PART ONE

This is the guy is one of my all time faves and I'd like to save it, but he was one of my firsts so I should share now.

Chad, G** V**** winked at me 3 days into my online dating endeavor, and, as he pointed out to me on gchat, he "found my quick".

G** V**** was CUTE. If you know me but at ALL you know that I'd rather be with a cuddle bear than a stud... I don't go for the juice heads. So when he winked at me, I didn't hesitate to send him a winkaroo right back. Now, I know you're probably dying to know what kind of stuff these guys say to me that keeps me interested. So I'm going to paste the email that he wrote me to get my attention. Keep in mind that at this point the guy doesn't even know my name. "Chad" writes:

Thanks for the wink back. I'm "Chad". I'm 25, and I've been in DC for about 3 years now. I grew up in Massachusetts, went to college there, and lived in Boston for a year before coming to DC. Where are you from originally?

That's awesome you're such a big sports fan. I never understood why guys are intimidated by girls who like sports, but I know some guys that are. I think it's great. So if you don't like the Phillies, I'm assuming your a Mets fan? Maybe even a Nationals fan? Being from Massachusetts I'm obviously a Red Sox fan, but they're #2 behind the Patriots. Every Sunday since I moved to DC has been spent at the same sports bar in the exact same spot at the bar.

That's great you're going back to school. I'm planning on going back part-time in the Fall for my MBA. I've put it off for too long now. I had a bit of an It's Always Sunny marathon last night. Somehow 5 episodes showed up on my DVR so I had to watch them all. I think the episode where Dee is dating the rapper, and the Nightman song makes its first appearance is my favorite of all time. I even went as Greenman last Halloween.

Well I guess I should do some work now. Look forward to hearing from you.

- "Chad"

Sounds normal, right? This email led to many more and eventually we started talking daily. I looked forward to hearing from him (despite the fact that he's a Pats and Sox fan) and it seemed crazy to me that I found such a smart, interesting and handsome guy so quickly! He asked me out for a Saturday-- you only book Saturdays when you mean business-- game watch/dinner/drinks which is my perfect night... so I didn't think twice when I suggested a phone date beforehand. Besides, I had built up Chad's voice in my head, gosh he was sexy. So one night after class my phone rings and I see that it's him. The anticipation was ALMOST too much, I was so excited! Our cyber fairy tale was taking it's next step. I cleared my throat, clicked that little green button and in my cutest voice answered, "Hello?"

On the other side I hear, "Hallaaaow??? Liz? It's (Chad)"

Oh

My

God.

You're kidding right? I didn't know what to think, other than this must be a joke... or a sassy shampoo boy at my hair dresser's making phone calls for my newest man friend. I was mortified. I tried to play it off the best I could and suggested he call me back later (he informed me he was out with his friends still but couldn't wait to call). What was I to think? His voice was not just high pitched, it was flamboyant beyond belief. Everything I built in my head was crashing down and I confided in a trusted source before our date...

me: i'm excited! i just am nervous about the femm thing lol

12:07 PMDanielle: you shouldn't be nervous about it

he should

12:08 PMme: yeah but i'm nervous that i'll be so turned off by it i won't know what to do

even when we're on the phone im like, ehhhhh

and then when i play it cool im all proud of myself

Danielle: hahhahaha

me: you know like when you walk by a seriously deformed person on the street and dont stare

12:09 PMand you're like, wow, good for me looking at people in god's eyes

Danielle: HAHAHAHAH

new away message

you are going to have a great time

I'm a terrible person, I know. But it's true and still funny.

I took the high road. This is a guy I have really enjoyed talking to. We get along so well and I've been looking forward to this date. I'm going to let this get in the way? The covenant consoled me and suggested that it may not be so bad in person... a good point. Still, the fact that I googled, "are all men with feminine voices gay?" was probably a red flag. By the way, I actually did that, not an exaggeration. I just decided that we should keep conversation off the phone and strictly online. Now I just had to get through our marathon date...

Chad "Gay Voice" TO BE CONTINUED....

The next generation of online dating...

Alright, so part of the reason I was sold on this whole thing was because I was told it's like shopping, but for men. That's actually a pretty good point. Well, I'm ready to take it to the next level, and according to GoDaddy, it's up for sale. Are you ready ladies??

Ever notice how all the best men always seem to be taken riiiight before you get there? Well, it's time to up the ante...

You can click the picture to see it better....

"Bobby" Blah Blah

You know how friends don't let friends drink and dial? Well what the hell was I thinking drinkin' and online dating? After my date with Adam McSadFace (bust) I decided to get back on that horse. The site picks out one person every week they're "especially confident" in. I'm not totally sure how they come to this conclusion, but I decided that this very special man was going to receive an email. It said,

"Your profile keeps showing up on my thing, so I'm emailing you."

Apparently that's all that takes because "Bobby" got on the IM right away with, "If the site wills it..."

DAMN you 10% alc. beer. We had some good conversation, but I accidentally blocked him on the IM (just the move of a woman at her finest) and so we moved things to the more comfortable venue of gchat. (Oo la la, I know). To be honest, I thought good ol' Bobby was pretty decent. He was clever, which I love. I knew he wasn't exactly a dream boat, but when he asked me out to brunch a few days later, I couldn't say no.

It wasn't brunch that got weird, it was when we decided to go for a walk. Bobby is actually a year younger than I am, but he acted like he was 10 years older. I like a guy that challenges me, but not one that thinks he's THE MAN. Bobby turned out to be a LITTLE MAN with a big ego.

So throughout our chat Bobby tells me that he's looking for a new pad. It's time to move up in the world, and we happened to be in the neighborhood he had in mind. So in our walk, I crap you not, we walk by an open house... and go in. Have you EVER been on a first date where you look at housing? It's pretty awkward. Not the worst thing to ever happen, but in the 20 minutes we were there I got an email from another man friend (to be continued, this one was GREAT) who I had been chatting with and really enjoying. I faked something important to read the email...

Signs you are not clicking:

a) You take emails from other dudes.

Red flag.

b) When a real estate agent thinks you're in a couple it gives you the heebie jeebies.

c) You resort to phrases like "heebie jeebies".

Anyways, I wish I could give you more interesting details but honestly it was all a bunch of Bob Blah Blah Blah... we had no happy ending, just a few awkward gchats (he wanted a massage, and when I recommended a masseur I know I think he got the picture....)

Besides, that day the site gave me a braaaand new suggestion.

Let's talk about winks, baby...

Oh I remember my first "wink". It's basically the equivalent of a Facebook poke or a guy at the club humping you-- errr, "dancing" at you from behind. The first time is just so darn exciting, but after a while they lose their charm. Every time a notification pops up you wonder what kind of swamp creature it is this time. Here I will try to re-create the magic for you...

The email SAYS:


Email READS:
"Hey, this dude has been all over the internets winking and chicks and your love for dogs made you come up on his search too. He thinks you're hot, so do the guy a favor and acknowledge his noble act of clicking on a button next to your face"

SCORE!!!

but eventually your inbox looks like this:



Now don't get me wrong. It's kinda like a game of Russian Roulette. You might get some real uggers, but every so often a serious cutie comes your way. Enter fun times...

This is step one in the online dating scene. ;-)

holler.

Hmm... but he's a Taurus!

Stumbled across this little gem today, thought I would share...

Jay writes:
"I believe a healthy body is essential for a healthy mind and vice versa. As such, I love working out and attempting to mold my body through sheer hard work, discipline, and will. It's a never ending challenge but supremely gratifying. My goal is to be and look healthy. Working out/being active is absolutely necessary for happiness I find. "

I mean, after reading that, I would have thought he was a meat head, but he said "as such" so I'm totally sold. Smartyyy!!


Is it just me, or would you not pay money to hear someone actually say these words to you out loud...

If these walls could talk... They'd tell you how how boring he was too

"Adam" aka Cardboard McSadFace

This one was my bad and I should have known better. For starters, Cardboard McSadFace's profile said something about thinking his standards are too high and that he was "beginning to think that she's just not out there". Well hot damn, sign me up for a piece of that! Still, I pulled out the notebook and made myself a deliberation list:

The pros:

1) He lives in my neighborhood and suggested a bar right off my metro stop

2) He likes sports. Hey, I like sports too!

3) From what I could tell he didn't look like he was going to murder me and leave my body under Key Bridge... But just to play it safe I didn't provide him with fact #1 of his pro list.

4) His listed height was 6' tall. Now, everybody learns that "6 feet" really means 5'10 and 5'10 means 5'6. But bloggers can't be choosers.

The cons:

1) He worked on capitol hill. No matter what a stripper tells you, there is no sex in the champaigne room. No matter what a douche tells you, do not date a worker on the hill.

2) C-board has been online dating for far too long. If you say you "guess" you'll keep playing the game and that you have no hope for a girlfriend, it's time to write some sad poetry in a closed off room for a few weeks... Or hammer up some dry wall. Either way, grow a pair!!

So after some simple math (pros 4! Cons 2) me and McSadFace go to grab some brews at a nearby bar. Now, I like an animated story, but this guy was waving his arms and rolling his eyes like it's opening night at the town theater (sounds like the-ate-her). He talked a lot about his siblings, their kids, the happiness they share and his doubt that he'll ever find the same. He sprinkled in a few college anecdotes- and a cherry-on-top tale of his bitterness towards all girls in my sorority (Uhh you're 26, let's get over it)

We had a couple laughs, but mostly I'm thinking, "how hard would it be to fake a stroke?" But I saved my own theatrics and settled for a beer that was 10% alcohol by volume instead-- the next best thing and let's face it, my true love.


Worry not, cyber friends, he did not leave my chopped up remains by the side of the interstate... Instead we hugged it out and escaped our opposite routes down M street into the DC wilderness...

Next.

People Call me "Mr. Fix It!"

So since I am currently in class, I am going to have to throw out a cheap shot. This was my very first guy I had to share with the world I did not approve of. He just really really asked for it and should have seen this coming. In this case, I had to leave his face.

"Dear Diary, he's just so electronically gifted..."

You should know that this is actually someone I did not go out with (even I have some standards... evidently....) but someone who I found in a random search. How can you NOT click on a guy who has made his tag line, "BRACE FOR IMPACT!" (gross...) I couldn't help myself and immediately send it out to my own little judgy list serve of friends-- or "The Covenant" as they shall hence forth be known as. So my apologies if you have already hear this ish before, but it read as follows: (for extra effect, play the Doogie Houser theme song while reading)

Seeing as you all appreciate my current dating situation and humor in general, a sharing moment. Pull up a chair and open the attached. You won't be dissapointed.

1) I furrow my brow... at myself.

2) Look at my watch and work badge

3) I place my hand on my thigh. This is how I stand.

4) Screw smart phones, I can't transfer my polytone rings.

5) I use public bathrooms to take pictures of myself at post them on online dating websites.

6) Call me ;-)

Jokes aside, here's a little gem from his ACTUAL profile. I am pasting it for your entertainment. Doug writes:

"I am VERY multi-talented because I love learning new things. A sample being I can (and have) built a house with my Father and Grandfather, and a computer by myself. I can fix just about anything (people call me Mr. Fix-it), and I am very electronically gifted. "

Get in line ladies...

PS- He also lists "horses" under "Pets I Like"

You're welcome, Earth.

How I ended up on the site, but why you'll never see me on the white screen commercials

Since I've already had to explain myself on the real site, I'll keep it simple (and un-sugar coated) here.

It wasn't difficult to convince me to give it a go. After living in a state with the most boring dating scene ever (although I suppose to be fair I've never lived in the Dakotas), I had some serious time to make up in the dating world when I moved to DC.

Work and school make it kinda hard to do this the old fashioned way, so I might as well let technology help me out with online "winking" and anonymous emails. Not to mention the ability to use the most attractive pictures of myself possible as man bait. It's like having a good hair day, every day.

I have no gaydar, which proved to be a terrible terrible thing in the district. Imagine a de-clawed house cat living in the jungle. An especially gay jungle.

Apparently in addition to not having a lot of time or gaydar, I don't have too much pride either ;-)

Let's talk about guidelines

So before I hang all these poor boys to dry, here are a few things I've done for everyone's privacy. (I'm very nice, I know)

1) Names have been changed. Not that it really matters to you if his name was Joe or Bob, but it might matter to them if they happen to stumble upon this on the interweb while still searching for love.

To make up for this, I have also given each one a fun nick name to remember them by.

2) When/ if pictures are used, I will black out faces. Again, not fair to others.

3) That's about it. I'll be providing a lot of embarrassing and fun deets for all you 10 readers out there!

Welcome to my blogspot!!!

There are a few things I believe strongly in.

One: That blogs are crazy, why would you want to read someone's public dear diary?
Two: That online dating is a sad and pathetic excuse for social interaction.
Three: Irony is a beautiful thing.

That said, welcome to my blog about online dating! I have fallen down the rabbit hole and decided to partake in both these ridiculous activities because, gosh darn it, they're actually pretty fun. It wasn't until a few weeks of experience in the online dating world that I realized how insane the entire process is and my story must be shared to the masses. So here it goes, I hope you enjoy my sweet agony.