If these walls could talk... They'd tell you how how boring he was too

"Adam" aka Cardboard McSadFace

This one was my bad and I should have known better. For starters, Cardboard McSadFace's profile said something about thinking his standards are too high and that he was "beginning to think that she's just not out there". Well hot damn, sign me up for a piece of that! Still, I pulled out the notebook and made myself a deliberation list:

The pros:

1) He lives in my neighborhood and suggested a bar right off my metro stop

2) He likes sports. Hey, I like sports too!

3) From what I could tell he didn't look like he was going to murder me and leave my body under Key Bridge... But just to play it safe I didn't provide him with fact #1 of his pro list.

4) His listed height was 6' tall. Now, everybody learns that "6 feet" really means 5'10 and 5'10 means 5'6. But bloggers can't be choosers.

The cons:

1) He worked on capitol hill. No matter what a stripper tells you, there is no sex in the champaigne room. No matter what a douche tells you, do not date a worker on the hill.

2) C-board has been online dating for far too long. If you say you "guess" you'll keep playing the game and that you have no hope for a girlfriend, it's time to write some sad poetry in a closed off room for a few weeks... Or hammer up some dry wall. Either way, grow a pair!!

So after some simple math (pros 4! Cons 2) me and McSadFace go to grab some brews at a nearby bar. Now, I like an animated story, but this guy was waving his arms and rolling his eyes like it's opening night at the town theater (sounds like the-ate-her). He talked a lot about his siblings, their kids, the happiness they share and his doubt that he'll ever find the same. He sprinkled in a few college anecdotes- and a cherry-on-top tale of his bitterness towards all girls in my sorority (Uhh you're 26, let's get over it)

We had a couple laughs, but mostly I'm thinking, "how hard would it be to fake a stroke?" But I saved my own theatrics and settled for a beer that was 10% alcohol by volume instead-- the next best thing and let's face it, my true love.


Worry not, cyber friends, he did not leave my chopped up remains by the side of the interstate... Instead we hugged it out and escaped our opposite routes down M street into the DC wilderness...

Next.