Greg's cold call email was funny and witty (albeit fairly long) and he got my attention, despite his lack in great looks. He applauded me and my bravery for leaving my crappy corporate job-- yes, I am very wise-- and my decision to live as an artist in our nation's capital. I found Greg's responses interesting and fun so instead of giving you yet another cold call, I shall share a third exchange email.
RE: So you're a Mets fan . . .
Hey Liz. Sorry about Villanova. I didn't watch any of the day games because it was too nice outside. Though I spent a good part of the day driving around in circles in DC trying to find Hotel Rouge and a parking spot nearby. But the sunroof was open and the windows were down, so that's kind of like being outside, right? Eventually I made it to a field to throw a baseball and am playing today. Did you do anything fun this weekend?I think people speak the way they write (or maybe the write the way they speak), but either way I like the way you write and had a huge smile on my face reading about Nobody Cares, WY. Isn't that the entire state? You obviously have good taste in beer too. I went to college at Virginia, and didn't relate to most people there mainly because they had shitty taste in beer and spoke (and probably wrote) like snots. I graduated 5 years ago, which seems impossible, but maybe they've all seen the error in their ways and stopped drinking Coors Light and Zima.
I work for an online publisher and we produce databases for colleges, universities, public libraries, and other academic institutions. We actually have some really cool stuff, though most of it is very scholarly (i.e. boring as hell.) But we have a lot of music and video now, which I definitely appreciate.
I have family from/living in NY and they are Yankees fans, so I have to put up with "those people" quite often. What would your dad do if you had grown up to be a Red Sox fan? I'm going to try and make it to a game at Citi Field this year when the Nats are in town. I consider myself to be a very well-informed sports fan, but I have no idea what the Connecticut Sun is? It sounds like a newspaper, but I'm guessing its WNBA or MLS. Either way, you have my sympathy.
You have a great sense of humor and you clearly love to laugh. What else do you do f or fun? And have you ever seen Eastbound & Down on HBO? It's my new favorite show and really resonates with me, probably beacuse I'm a washed up baseball player. Hope you're enjoying the weekend and a case of Busch Ice :)
"Greg"
...I wonder if he'd like the way I've decided to write about us...
The time before our first date was better than most. I learned about his college experience, his family and his future goals and I regaled him with my own random anecdotes. He was three years older than me and from the area, although he didn't spend much time in the city. There were several things I came to like about Greg that made him an exciting new candidate:
1) Our hatred of the same sports teams- we grew closer sharing our disdain for various cities and teams and he appreciated my less than creative nick names for hated athletes. 20 points.
2) His appreciation for small world coincidences, an ongoing theme in my life. (He taught my about the Noosphere, feel free to judge) 30 points.
3) His ability to keep up with me in conversation- including but not limited to a 4 hour chat one day after work. 50 points. Winner.
And so we went out!
When I finally met Greg, he was shorter than I expected. (shockerrrr!) but he was puppy dog cute. You should know that if you talk to these guys for too long before you actually meet them, it becomes a little more awkward. I like to compare it to bananas ripening on a bell curve:
I'd say we were a little more on the ripe side but nothing that a few drinks couldn't fix. Dinner went well folks. He did cute things throughout the night-- like make me a paper crane (something that became an inside joke between us, and he would go on to even send me pictures of more cranes when I was out of town). My face hurt from laughing- a much welcomed change from previous boring dates- and we decided to go to another bar and meet up with some of my friends.Before my friends arrived on the scene I started to find out the juicy stuff. Now, Less Than Five Drinks Liz would have been concerned about the dirty secrets Greg started to reveal, but too bad THAT chick peaced out a few hours ago.
1) He brought up his X girlfriend. Yikes.
2) He told me that they had broken up after 4 years of dating and 3 years of living together. Oh, and by the way, she already had a three year old when they got together.
3) He had loved her since they were 5 when he gave her a pony calendar and when she went on to become an equestrian, he took it as a sign that they were meant to be. (Again people, he told me this on the first date).
4) When they broke up (on Valentine's Day), he kept their obese albino cat, a picture of which is the background on his phone.
5) She moved out on his birthday (almost 2 months after their break up).
I know that you're thinking. WARNING: FIRE! GET OUT OF THE BUILDING!!! The dude had more baggage than a sorority girl on spring break. Honestly, I have no idea what I was thinking but I guess Five Drinks Deep Liz found it endearing. Greg scored more points when he insisted on buying drinks for my friends and he got their nods of approval. The night continued andwe went dancing-- it all went very well. There was a moment when he had his arm around me and with a smile on his face told me that he was wrong about online dating, and how funny it is that it actually worked.
The next few weeks were fun. I was dopey in like with the guy and (rookie mistake) even loaned him some of my dvds. I was still playing the field, but I knew I had something real good with this guy. He called me every day and always made me laugh... As my mother would say, he "made my heart go pitter patter" and I loved the time we spent together.
When his birthday came up, he told me he was going out to dinner with his parents but wanted to meet up after for a drink. I accidentally scheduled a date with someone else for that night, but when I suggested we go out to celebrate on a different night he complained, "another night won't be my birthday!!". (Charming, right???) I decided not to cancel the new date and play it by ear, but since I had never met the new guy before I was perfectly willing to bail last minute.
This is where the story gets weird.
On his birthday morning, I sent a text, "Happy birthday, Old Man (his last name)"
No response.
Later that afternoon I sent him another message letting him know I'd be getting out of class early.
Again, no response.
When I did get out of class I sent a final message, "Okay Greg, I'm going back to DC now" (I went out on the other date instead)
No response that night.
Or the next day.
Or the day after that.
Or the day after that.
Okay, now I'm pissed. Against my better judgment I decided to write Greg an email and tell him that while it was "cool" with his decision to not see or speak to me that week, I'd like my dvds back please. An hour later he sent me a gchat message:
"GREG": hey
| 25 minutes |
1:33 PM me: Hey [GREG] what's up
1:34 PM "GREG": wanna hear a bad joke?
1:35 PM what does a gay horse say?
me: ...Hay?
1:36 PM "GREG": haaaaaaaaaaay
its better told than written
So let me get this straight. After ditching me and then ignoring me for three days, this guy decides that the appropriate action would be to send me that joke. Okay... Okay.
I won't bore you with the details of the next few days, it was really more of the same. I knew I was suddenly being blown off but each day he would text or gchat me with flakey pleasantries. Eventually I didn't want to play the game anymore and I asked Greg what had happened. Long story short I got every cliche in the book, mostly "we want different things" blah blah blah. And yes, this was online. There was one interesting point he made, which I can PASTE from that final conversation:
4:03 PM "GREG": i don't really like people all that much
What???? Well that's a new one. Either you're totally out of ideas here or totally bat sh*t crazy. Perhaps both. Either way,I told you he was weird. Oh and as for the dvds, he came by to drop them off the next night. He awkwardly let himself into my house but with nothing left to say and he told me how glad he was to have met me, (efffff that noise!!!) but I did not return the sentiment. Instead I smiled, walked him out and dropped my favorite "See ya out there" line and closed the door behind him.
Oh, and it get's better. Now normal people might just get mad about this, but I can really appreciate the humor. After we stopped seeing each other, I got a GREAT little gifty in the mail courtesy of the DCPD. I was able to figure out exactly where I was driving when these were issued (there were 2). Spoiler alert: it was driving "Greg" home to Alexandria and back. Some gifts just keep on giving...
"I got dumped by a weird dude then charged $100. FML"
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