The post that needs no words... But of course it does!

I wanted to add this last year, but I've actually been way too busy moving on from this gem in the past 12 months. That being said, it would be down right shameful not to share with the world.

Before I woke up and smelled the crazy, I spent more time than I'm proud of with This guy. I was going to make some edits to these to hide his identity but...

Yeah screw it :-)

You know when the guy you are seeing gets a promotion and has a card with "congratulations" written on it, tells you to read it and then it turns out to be a smutty sex super hero card made for him by some chick named Jen? No?? Just me?? Oh, then take a moment to soak this one in!

Did I mention it was laminated?

Can't quite read that type? I got you covered! To really bring the style and class home for you, I've left the grammatical liberties in their raw form. (Yet another child left behind...)

"A virgin's song that lurks throughout Norfolk tells of a baby boy who descended on the back of a giant thunderbird.  Rumored to be a decedent of the Cimmerians he is the only remaining man to know the Riddle of Steal and by age fifteen was already a respected warrior. 

Renowned for his heighten perceptions and knowledge of clean technologies and market trends he was appointed by Crom to forage and build a great city.

While he slaved away women from all over threw themselves at him hoping that they too would learn the secret and wield the power of steal.  However, no matter how many boobs he conquered, he was never fully satisfied and refused to share his knowledge.

Furious an army of evil non-eco friendly succubi attacked the great city destroying all that he had built.  Forlorn and drunk he stumbled the streets of DC and considered ending it all until he stumbled onto a dating website and met a vivacious Lieutenant whose pants were so sexy that he could not stay out of them. 

Together they joined forces, with his large "sword" and her fabulous badonkadonk they defeated evil and rebuilt the city with maximum efficiency.

SPECIAL POWER: Hawkins embodies the strength and sexual potency of 1,000 men.  When he heads off to battle he leaves behind a trail of satisfied women and broken hearts.

BONUS ATTACK: His ability to consume an insurmountable amount of booze can ignite a furt like no man has seen before (making him a challenging opponent in battle).  This can be temporarily relieved as long as his partner LT Sexy Pants hold the "Awkwardly Hilarious" and the "Nothing Like an Old Fashion" cards.

The funniest part about this card? It wasn't the horrific detail and Dungeons and Dragons references.  It's that this card was the impetus that led to my meeting the love of my life...